The Shot, Episode 1 -- Bye Bye Balbinka

So today was the premiere of Vh1's new show The Shot. It's basically America's Next Top Model from the other side of the lens. The Shot stars world-renowned fashion photographer Russell James. I've never heard of the guy, but I've never been into fashion photography either. He's hot enough to keep me tuning in every week though.

The ten contestants arrive at the loft apartment they will call home for the next month, and we meet them one by one: Maria, a self-proclaimed people person; Airic, a fun-loving ladies' man; Balbinka, a former model; Piper, who calls herself "extreme"; Dean, a Bosnian who makes it clear that he's there to win, not to make friends (every competitive TV series has to have one); Robin, a chick covered in tattoos and seems immediately intimidated by Dean; John, the Mr. GQ-lookin' wedding photographer who loves hanging out with bridesmaids; Ivan, a Croatian dude looking to live the American Dream; Bree, a cute little blonde Australian girl; and Jason, the weird one of the show.

The photographers have an impromptu meet-n-greet (minus the food, drink, and overall party atmosphere), and are shown a video of the hottie Russell James. He tells the group that there's a car waiting for them and that he'll meet them at his photo studio.

So at the studio, he does his intro and tells the group that they're competing for a $100,000 cash prize sponsored by Vaseline (which I giggle immaturely about), a spread in Marie-Claire magazine, and a national Victoria's Secret campaign. He then tells them that their first challenge is upon them and he brings out a male and a female model. He tells the group, "I'm going to strip you of all your elaborate tools, including wardrobe," and the models take their cue and remove their clothes.

--- The first commercial of the first commercial break is an ad for Vaseline. Right after the models went nude. I crack up laughing. Because apparently I'm 10. ---

After the break, Russell continues explaining the assignment by telling each of the photographers that they have five minutes each to get their shot. He's looking for the shots to convey passion. I'm thinking the nude models can't hurt when striving for that goal.

So they start posing and shooting. Jason takes his shot, and Russell tells us that his final photo didn't show passion, but "it looked to me like an orgasm." Uh, dude? Have you ever had an orgasm? There's definitely passion involved with that. I'm just sayin'.

Russell also says that Ivan was "personable with talent". But the most hilarious one was Airic. He seemed a little too into the whole shooting-nude-models thing. He kept directing the female model to bite various body parts on the dude, including his nipple and his earlobe. My head was down taking notes, but I'm 99% sure that Airic had a raging boner after his 5-minute shoot. I'm still 10.

But overall, Russell was disappointed in how it all went. He sent them back to the loft where they spent the evening comparing levels of nervousness.

The next day Russell gathers the photogs and tells them that he was disappointed. He critiques each shot and tells them that he expects a massive improvement from all of them. He says that he will pick the two best shots, and the photographer of each will be team leaders for the next challenge, and they will be able to choose their teams. Piper and Ivan are chosen, and they proceed to pick their teams.

After the teams are decided, Russell says that their next shoot will be for a 5-page editorial spread, the theme will be "A Stormy Romance", there is to be five wardrobe changes, and a necklace prop is to be included in at least one shot. The challenge is pretty straightforward: Each team member is to submit one photo, each photo will be evaluated, and a winning (and losing) team will be decided. The winning team will be safe from elimination, but one member of the losing team will be sent home. I'm sure that Airic is hoping for more nudity. Rock on Airic!

The group spends the evening brainstorming with their teams, Airic brainstorms on how to get a nude shot, and a couple of things become apparent: Ivan is not strong enough to lead a group, and Piper's kinda stupid and bitchy.

--- I get to see my first Christmas commercial of the season and I get all gleeful. Then again, two local radio stations and the cable music station started playing Christmas music on Halloween, so I'm slipping nicely into the spirit. ---

So the next day the teams are driven to their location in separate vans. Team Ivan nicely discuss how they'll portray the struggle between love and money while the atmosphere in Team Piper's van gets tense. Clearly Piper talks way too much.

They arrive at their location and find out that each team has 2-1/2 hours to shoot on a yacht. They are given professional model Marisa Miller, a successful Victoria's Secret model. Airic must be positively giddy.

Team Ivan is up first and the next 2-1/2 hours can only be described as chaotic. Ivan is panicked, the model is blinded by a reflector in her face in the sun, and Dean is overbearing as hell. Poor Ivan is a total sweetheart, but he just isn't a leader. Jason and Dean kinda take over as leaders, but I think Ivan's okay with that. When it's his turn to shoot, Ivan over-complicates everything. But the real issue hits when Marisa the Model (along with a few other people) are overcome by seasickness. I get all, "Ewwwwwwww," when they show people hurling what appears to be internal organs over the side of the yacht.

People swim in that water, y'know.

A huge issue that pops up is that Marisa the Model becomes too sick to do a wardrobe change (one of the requirements of the challenge) so Robin keeps her in the same dress. How one is too seasick to change clothes, but isn't too sick to pose and look pretty is beyond me, but I'm by no means a model, so whatever.

--- They show the cutest ad ever for Frosted Mini-Wheats. Try 'em hot! ---

So after all the seasickness and the break, Team Piper is up. I'm thinking this is gonna be funny as hell. First up is Balbinka. Poor thing is supposed to be in a photography competition and she can't figure out how to zoom out. I crack up laughing because I am totally stupid when it comes to taking pictures, but I have a Canon or a Nikon something or other and I know how to twist the lens to zoom it in and out.

Anyway, Balbinka's moronicness (yes I made that word up) brings out the overbearing personality that is Piper. Well, waking up brings out the overbearing personality that is Piper, but anyway. Piper continues to be obnoxious as hell with John, but he pretty much ignores her. Airic is totally inappropriate and UNPROFESSIONAL (*waves to Q*) and he gives Marisa the Model the heebie-jeebies when it's his turn.

Next up is Piper. She's all bossy and abrasive and Piper-y and Marisa the Model says that one of the most frustrating things a model goes through is when the photographer doesn't use their time efficiently. Funny, I would think the most frustrating thing a model goes through is seasickness on a photo shoot, but whatever. Anyway, she says that Piper irritated her.

Finally, we get Maria. Maria got less time to shoot than anyone else, and she gets all pissy when she's shooting and some yacht-people get in the way of her shot while taking the sails down. However, Maria makes some adjustments and she's good to go.

The teams get into their designated vans and head back to the loft. I think pretty much all of Piper's team would rather be in the other van, but they're stuck with Piper. Our girl Piper takes the time to confront Maria and John about their lack of teamwork and uncooperativeness. (Yes, I made that word up too.) There's second-grade name-calling -- Maria calls Piper "Queen Bitch" and Piper calls Maria and John "Miss Butterfly" and "Little Mr. Butter Pants". C'mon Piper, you can do better than that!

--- Vh1 apparently thinks we need a commercial break to recover from the Little Mr. Butter Pants incident. ---

The teams go to the photo lab to select their photos for submission. Piper says that she's nervous because she thinks a team leader will be going home and suddenly she doesn't want to be boss anymore.

From the selection, we immediately go to Eliminations. Russell tells the group that two experts that were introduced earlier in the show will be his permanent co-judges. I kick myself in the ass for not catching their names or their credentials or anything other than their genders. (One of each.) What can I say? I'm a shitty recapper. Sorry 'bout that.

So the judges start with their critiques. Overall, Russell says that Ivan's team didn't work well together. Individually, they got the following critiques:

Piper's Team:
Piper -- Bad background
John -- Too wedding-y
Balbinka -- Not a beautiful shot
Airic -- Bad positioning coupled with the use of a bad prop
Maria -- Impressive (!!)

Ivan's Team:
As a whole -- The shots were "too soft and lovey-dovey" and the idea was too complicated
Dean -- Low depth was good (whatever the hell that means) but he doesn't play well with others
Bree -- Bad shot in general
Ivan -- Ivan's shot was from waist to neck. The male judge who isn't Russell told him, "All I see is two huge boobs" and as a leader, Ivan let other people take control
Jason -- When asked to explain his shot, Jason went into this huge, long WTF explanation which included the word "concubine". I cracked up at that and wondered if Marisa the Model would appreciate being called a concubine.
Robin -- Busted for not making Marisa the Model do a wardrobe change while she was hucking her guts out

And to ensure that the amateur photographers' egos are totally shot to shit, Russell concludes by telling both teams that their performances were very poor and that they failed miserably. He again mentions the rule about the five wardrobes. And then he kicks their asses out of the room so the judges can deliberate à la America's Next Top Model.

They get all negative and bash the contestants. They talk a bit about Piper's brash personality. But the woman judge says that Ivan's campaign is by far the superior one, even though her 5-page spread turned into a 4-pager because of the lack of wardrobe change.

They bring the photographers back in and Russell tells them that he expects a huge improvement in the coming weeks. Dude's just sounding harsh now. But he says that Ivan's team wins, so those five are safe. He goes on to say that Robin's photo is the best.

Wait, what? Maria was the one whom they seemed mildly impressed with, and Robin was severely chastised for not having Marisa the Model change wardrobe. Strange.

Anyway, Russell goes on to say that a member of Piper's team will be eliminated.

--- There's an ad for Papa John's and I almost cry because I totally wish there was a Papa John's here in BFE. ---

So. In one last slam, Russell tells John not to take anymore wedding photos but that he, Airic, and Maria are safe this time. This leaves Piper and Balbinka as the bottom two. Russell reiterates that Balbinka had a bad photo and that Piper had a bad photo and she's a bad team leader.

Y'know how most of these shows have an eliminating phrase? Like, "Your time is up" and "Your tour ends here"? Well, we learn this show's eliminating phrase when Russell says, "I'm sorry. Balbinka, that was your last shot."

Damn!

Balbinka takes it like a pro, though, and says in her exit interview that she's thankful for the experience, she learned a lot, she wishes she could've stayed and formed bonds with the other contestants, blah blah blah. You know. The usual.

And that was it. We get to see some scenes from next week's show. They're doing a shoot with some animals: a camel, a monkey, and a spider. And Piper and Dean will be clashing, so tune in for that.

I'm a little disappointed, though, that they didn't have a few-minute long preview of the upcoming season. Oh well.

Overall, I wasn't all that impressed with the show. But Russell and John are hot, so I'll keep watching. Besides, I promised weekly recaps, and let's face it... I watch every damn show on Vh1 anyway, so I wouldn't really stop watching.

That's it from me for now. Until next time, have a groovy day!